Unsure of what I want.
I have been married to a man for 8 years (Tuesday is my wedding anniversary) and we have one amazing little girl. Our marriage has been mostly good, but intimacy has been a problem since day one. He was abused as a kid in almost every way possible and has a hard time with both sex and conflict (he goes into trauma brain and my wonderful, thoughtful husband becomes emotionally manipulative, defensive, and reactionary). I have felt rejected a lot in this marriage because of it. This set the backdrop of unfulfillment and I fell for my best friend (it was unrequited- she is straight) but it opened my eyes to the fact that I am attracted to women both sexually and romantically.
I am now at a point that I am so frustrated with my husband (who I still love deeply, even if it isn't romantic anymore). When I think of relationships or even just sex, I just think about women. I realize this may be temporary and likely comes from my frustration in my marriage. I really believe I am bi rather than lesbian. There was a time I was extremely in love with my husband.
Here's my dilemma: I still love him deeply as a person and don't want to hurt him (especially because his mental health can be on the fragile side). I want the best for my daughter who still believes the world revolves around her mommy and daddy. There is no way my husband would go for an open marriage. We are trying to work on our marriage, and small progress has been made, but I'm getting tired because I've been very patiently saying what is wrong for 8 years. If nothing changes and I stay, everyone is happy except me. If I leave? He may fall apart. My daughter's future feels uncertain. It's a hard row to hoe. Any advice would be welcome.
Hey Alyson- no kids here but married to a man for a decade with similar feelings related to inconsistent intimacy/sex. I still had a lot of love for him when I made the decision to divorce him and again, similarly to you, I also fell for a friend who had fallen for me as well. With that being said, I agree with Lauryn and have heard much of the same regarding marriages of convenience. I also want to tell you that you don't have to be in a place where you loathe your spouse for divorce to be the right option based on my own personal experience. I just knew that the reality of my situation was things wouldn't change as there was 10 years of history to support that and that I wanted (and quite frankly deserved) more. Now, what was right for me most certainly may not be right for you and there are so many ways this could look- maybe an open relationship, maybe an agreement for you to explore this part of yourself, endless options. I know for myself I was very afraid of and struggled with hurting my ex husband and what his life would look like when I left... but ultimately, I gave him 10 years to address well documented and discussed issues with very little to no consistent change so I chose me. In the end, his happiness and future after the marriage is his responsibility... not that you can't be empathetic. I checked on my ex husband regularly for many years after we first split and thankfully he took the steps to heal himself and move forward and I truly believe we are both better for it. I sincerely wish you goodluck and nothing but happiness!