Here because you’re confused?
Ugh. I am.
This is going to read like therapy I should have. I’m 42, I grew up with an angel of a mother, a super-patriarchal dad and oldest brother (10 years old than me). I’m athletic and small-chested and grew up with an attitude of being a “man-hater”… dad & oldest brother. I never dated. I helped my mom get divorced while I was in college. I genuinely never thought I’d get married. The only option would be to a man… I can’t even imagine the judgement & ridicule. My oldest brother called me a lesbian many times. I genuinely did not present that way.
A healthy professional relationship with a male college coach showed me that men can Connect.
Real connection is everything to me.
I got married to a man who Connects like a woman - wonderful conversations, listens & interacts with my long-windedness, emotional. I’ve also been through hell because of his unmet attachment mom issues & was treated under the surface, as if I were her. This finally got rooted out a year ago when I was truly ready to be done. I am upset at what I’ve had to go through: alcoholism, financial control, inability to receive feedback, to hear me, value my contributions, gender roles with the house, lack of self-care - it was almost like whack-a-mole, the issues. I went through the hardest decade of my life: navigating my beloved Mom through early-onset dementia and nobody would know what I was dealing with in my “wonderfully supportive husband”. He was… and he wasn’t.
A lot was opened up a year ago - but it’s like, is it too late? I have no idea when I was last truly physically attracted. He’s a big guy & not in a good way. I really value health & fitness and an active lifestyle (I made it the basis of my profession). We’re all in charge of ourselves, but the influence is real, too. I think because in the beginning, the emotional & friend connecfion was so good, that subconsciously I was willing to “give” on the physical attraction.
Having never dated & really ever being pursued, I feel I was trying to make sure I was “good enough” for him… and I believe he was making sure I was good enough for him, too.
On the outside, it looks like I LIVE THE LIFE.
Many of the issues have finally smoothed out, but I feel like I went through death by 1,000 cuts. And…. The attraction. I just don’t feel it like that.
Meanwhile. there is a woman in my life that I would trade it all for. Even to have a non-sexual relationship. Trade. It. All.
I resent that I had to endure so much to get to a point in an 18-yr. marriage where I finally have a voice & am just… not putting up with BS any longer.
It’s not an unhappy home… but the reality is it’s a utilitarian marriage where neither of us wanted that - we wanted love. I care. But the love part feels squeezed out. I have compensated in my own mind for YEARS.
I resent my oldest brother for calling me a lesbian from so young - like middle school - before I even had the chance to know. The perfect proactive tactic to push the hero patriarchy.
I think a connected, KIND, gentle human who reasonably values health and activity of either gender is SO SEXY. The emotional connection is priority - I guess that’s demisexual?
If somebody actually reads this - thank you!
Do you have confusion, too?
I apologize for such a delayed response. I’m so glad sharing my inner thoughts were helpful to you. I also was not on the hormonal train that our peers were. I told myself I was more mature. I am drawn to older souls, that’s for sure.
Who you love or are attracted to is totally valid! I’ve never been with a woman, but inside I know I am bisexual. I’m just kinda grieving that I’ll likely never get to have that experience. The choices we make and even more importantly, the societal, family, (and religiois for some) expectations sewn in from young… it’s a lot to weed through. Fully out queer folks, God bless you. It’s a segment of society I trust the most as what the heck is there to hide after that? May we all find the paths that allow our most full human expression.
Does your husband know you are bisexual? I’ve never fully stated it that way to mine.