Some thoughts on sitting in loneliness Or Picking up the rice in a church where a wedding had been 💥

For the past few months I feel like I am in some sort of post coming out cocoon period where I have just been through so much emotional trauma -admitting to myself that I am gay (I’ve always known but actually allowing myself to be in that knowledge ) taking the steps to come out as gay to myself to my husband, my friends and family, then my first true agonizing heartbreak (shattering and life altering to say the least ) followed by a series of some fortunate some unfortunate dating experiences…all of these things in such a short period of time had left me cracked wide open and shattered …and now I am cocooned in emotional numbness…

Honestly it’s fine… the cocoon

The numbness

I’m comfortable with it

I kind of needed to not feel for awhile

I am very comfortable being alone

I crave my alone time

It satisfies me

It quiets me

But.

I have recently been having new moments of loneliness

They come sporadically

No warning

And they go just as fast

But they are new feelings

Feelings of almost insecurity over my old life vs the new life I am cultivating.

I have grown so much emotionally in this new phase of my life and with that so has my confidence in myself

I no longer chase or try to hold onto anything that doesn’t seem to be for me or in line with the direction my life is driving itself towards ( I’m following my bliss… getting on the bus as they say)

I feel good about that

But then comes these feelings of loneliness

Like am I really all alone in this thing?

I think one of the biggest challenges I have faced in my coming out and spousal separation process is that I had to come to terms with the very real fact that if I do this.. I very well may end up alone forever.

That sounds scary right?

But scarier to me would be settling for anything less than lightning ⚡️ and fireworks 💥

I know noone want to think that they could be alone forever

But personally I had to get comfortable with that possible reality

And I did!

I think feelings are subjective right?

Like there is no objectivity in feelings it’s just how you feel…

I feel very peaceful ,calm and comfortable in my emotional numbness at the moment which is new for me because typically I feel all the feels… all of them!! Big time

But I don’t feel anything right now emotionally

Accept for this new sneaky feeling of loneliness…

And I don’t know what to make of it

So I guess I’m just curious if anyone else feels anything like this?

Let me know your thoughts

I’ll be here wearing the face that I keep in a jar by the door 😉