Late Bloomer in Colorado

Hey all!

Just wanted to say hello. I had my gay panic in 2022 - fell in love with a woman who had been out her whole life, while I was happily married to a man. Yes, I was happily married. And was not looking to leave my marriage. We had a Golden Retriever puppy, were trying for a baby, had a crib and baby clothes already. The whole nine. So meeting this woman and falling in love with her rocked my world. I told her how I felt. She took some time to process that and then once she confirmed her feelings for me, soon after I told my husband. Which was one of the worst nights of my life. Two days after that conversation, my dad had a stroke and weeks later after a hospice stay he passed away. It was truly the hardest time of my entire life. I am still putting myself back together if I'm being honest. Divorce, gay panic, and the death of a parent all at the same time is a recipe for depression. And I definitely fell into that hole for a long time.

I am 39 now and finally comfortable with saying that "I'm gay". I'm not bisexual, I never liked sex with men. It always let me down. It was always a disappointment. But I never thought that I would be gay. I thought it was normal to not enjoy sex with a man, and that we were all doing our "duty" to keep them happy. I also kept my sexual attraction to women to myself. I didn't think it meant I was gay. I never pictured any other way of life except married to a man. Until I met my catalyst.

The relationship I had with my catalyst is now very, very over. It is, and was, not the most healthy situation. In fact, it caused a lot of havoc in my life. It's hard to be so appreciative of someone coming into your life and changing your whole world, while also just really sad and relieved it's over. I am now divorced, and ironically I have the best relationship with my ex husband again. He's really supportive, now that we are through the ugly part. He says we will always be "family", and I couldn't agree more. We talk regularly. We see each other. He lets me see our dog that he basically took custody of. I'm really grateful we're in such a good place now.

I'm still feeling like a true Baby Gay. I haven't dated anyone else. I have a couple crushes on girls from a distance, but I am not dating or apart of any lesbian groups or social circles in my area. I would like to dip my toe in that water, but I'm very scared! I need to get over it and just make myself go to events. Not to date per se, because I have a lot of changes going on in my life that need to be handled before I feel steady enough to take on another relationship. But I'd love lesbian friends in my state that are platonic and supportive. I think it would really help to connect with other Late Bloomers. It's just a very unique journey, to spend your entire adult life one way, and to have your whole world turned upside down. It's not easily understood. Even my catalyst lacked a lot of empathy for how it would feel to have your whole existence flipped on its head. I almost envy girls who always knew they were gay. I feel like looking back, I didn't know myself very well....

Anyways, looking to join the Colorado group and hopefully try to plan a coffee meetup for members in this state.