Slow like a snail in peanut butter

Thank you to everyone who has posted already. I’ve read every word of your stories. 💕 So I’m currently 43. I guess I came out abou 4 ½ years ago to my husband and to myself about a year before that. I remember never understanding the boy crazy scene…I would lie and choose one of the New Kids on the Block to be my favourite just so I had an answer when asked. I knew early on that I needed to play the game to be accepted. I would be simultaneously drawn to lesbians but also scared to look too long. I remember the first girl I crushed on. Grade 7. She was beautiful but I didn’t understand what I was feeling. I knew I was supposed to date a boy and get married so that’s what I did. I dated whoever wanted to date me. I hated sex but did it because that’s what I thought I was supposed to do. I married the boy I met in high school. It didn’t work out. I never got the hang of sec there either and just felt so uncomfortable all the time. I left that marriage at 30 and moved right in with a male friend and we started to date. He seemed right and I even enjoyed intimacy. We did all the things we were supposed to do…house, dogs, careers, kids, the whole hetero package. I met a coworker after having my first child. She was a professional, normal, happy, successful lesbian who married a lovely lady and they are just lovely people. I couldn’t put my finger on what felt so odd though. Eventually I realized I wanted a relationship like they had. I just didn’t know it yet. Stupid comphet being all tricksy! At the same time I had a best female friend. She was my “work wife” until One day she wasn’t. I was beyond heartbroken. I didn’t realize for years that I had feelings for her. (She’s straight so que the whomp whomp noise here) (hey, Amy.,,you going to get to the point??)

So one normal night I’m sleeping and I have the hottest effing dream I’ve ever had. Dang! But it was with an unknown woman. I can still remember every detail. I was laying in bed a few nights later and thinking to myself, ‘hummm, I wonder why that dream was so vivid?’ And then a voice came

From Inside me…I swear, clear like crystal, says, “ because you are gay.” I say straight up and went to the couch in the living room and just cried. It was a truth that I felt in every cell of my body. How did I not know? How did I create this home and family? What am I going to do? I tried to pretend I didn’t know what I now knew. Shockingly, it didn’t work. Funny, that!

Eventually I worked up the gumption to tell a friend, then two friends. Then a few more. I eventually told my sister who reacted poorly and told me she’d “do me the favour of telling my husband for me” and I worried that she would. I had to tell him. I love my husband. But I know who I am. It went…well, not great. He actually passed out and I had to call an ambulance. I didn’t bring it up for a while after that.

But now I can’t I know what I know. Every 11;11 wish, every dandilion, every birthday candle, I wish I’ll meet my girl. I also wish my husband would meet a kind, loving woman who will love him in a way I just can’t. I’ve tried to be intimate with him since. I’ve done it since I was 16…what’s a few more times? But it’s like I’ve developed an allergy! I just cried the last time we tried. Suuuuuper awkward. 😳

So now we live in the same house, living like friends. It’s not ideal for anyone, but it is what it is for now.

I have no idea what our future holds. I’m scared but excited but so so sad that what I thought I wanted wasn’t actually right for me. I feel terrible for hurting my husband. I would wish this away if I could. I hope one day we will be in a different situation but until then, I’ll keep trying to build queer community and friendships. I appreciate your stories. They give me hope for a brighter future.

Here’s a picture of me at my first pride as a gay woman in Torornto last year. My friends are my girls from elementary school. They keep me from running back into a closet. They are all straight but the best damn allies I could ask for. (I’m in the blue dress)