Apparently I do not know when someone is flirting....

Hi everyone! I'm Jess, 47, came out like 5 years ago. I have a daughter turning 17 this month (Sept). I have been sober 9 years. Was married for about 6 years but I didn't leave b/c I knew I was gay at the time...he was just a jerk :D I live near Charleston SC. 😎

So anyhow...I have had 2 girlfriends. I ended both of those b/c things were not moving forward. I was trying to grow and learn and it was not reciprocated (IMO). So I was trying to date again. Apparently my flirting detector is busted.

I really thought a woman at work was flirting with me. I won't get into the details b/c it is so embarrassing (let's say LinkedIn was involved!!) and it turns out she is very married and her wife is like a gorgeous super model type. They are a lovely happy couple. I know some might say "she may still have been flirting..." but no. Once I actually talked to her in person...she just does not give that vibe. I attributed characteristics to her based on looks alone. So that was a funny one.

This next one was actually king of hurtful. I, along with a good friend here, are trying to build a queer/les/gay friend group. We are having some success and it's really nice. A woman who came to a dinner one night caught my eye. We became FB friends and started chatting. Then it moved to WhatsApp (that is where we schedule all the group outings anyway). So we are chatting REGULARLY for like 3 weeks. I thought for sure there was flirting! Multiple times. One day I ask what trips she has planned and she mentions a trip up east to see her gf. Like...what? I was shocked. My other friend was shocked. Even if there was NO flirting, I do not message anyone as much as her and I were. Not my BFF. Not my daughter. I make a comment that LD must be hard, and she says it is and it's her first LD relationship. So anyhow I'm grappling with the ethics of it all and while I could still communicate with her IF my intention was just to be friends, I know me and I know this is not right for me. If I were the gf I'd be pissed. And I know I'm only going to grow more attached and be more hurt in the future. I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was kind of hoping the weekend visit was a break up visit but it wasn't. (Ok do NOT come at me for that I am just a woman with a crush I do not want this other person to be hurt! 🫢) But that does not happen of course, so I am just honest with her. "I thought there was flirting...it's best for me to pull back a little...don't make this weird...we can still do group things...etc" She thanks me for my honesty and says she understands. Apologizes if she hurt my feelings or lead me on. Next day she's asking if I'm not going to a group dinner in a few weeks b/c of our exchange from the day before. I'm not going b/c I do not love the menu and I won't be in town when it is best for the majority. I assure her I'm not going to avoid activities just b/c she'll be there. She tells me "I hope it was ok to ask that, I'd rather be direct than assume..." 😶Ok but wouldn't it have been direct to tell me up front "Hey just so you know I'm only looking for friends right now...I have a gf..."

Two things I'm proud of: 1-I set the boundary for myself. I didn't WANT to stop talking to her but I know ultimately it was not in my best interest. 2-I did not immediately try to absolve her or make HER feel better after she apologized. I just said "it's all good" and moved on with my night. Those are big growth steps for me. Doing the right thing is not always easy and I do not always want to do the next right thing but at least I can sleep at night.

Ok so that was a really long post. I just needed to get it off my chest. I have therapy in a couple days too so that will help. 😆

I guess my question is: how do you know if someone is flirting? I could never tell even when I was dating men. And I'm pretty straight presenting so I'm just really struggling to navigate this part.