Hi everyone.   I came out,  later in life, at 35. I was with my ex husband for 15 years.  We have 2 kids.  I'd known him since we were kids ourselves, our families were friends, we got together when I was 21.  Everything followed, what seemed like, the normal plan.   Get married, have kids, have a nice life, the end. Throughout my life, I've known that I "liked girls" but where I came from, a small town in Scotland, it wasn't really a thing.  I was born in the early 70's.  If my parents ever even mentioned a gay person, it wasn't in the best of terms.  I didn't even dream back then that I could be gay, I just knew that my future was filled with expectations and being gay wasn't one of them.  Even if it was - nobody else around me was gay (although, I found out later, that was so not true!!). I had my kids, my husband and I got along - although looking back, we didn't have what I now know as a connection.  I look at old family videos of us, and we're young and really just doing what we thought was our best.  I have much more empathy now for my young self, and him, when I see now that we were just kids. I worked, socialised very rarely with my friends, but it was when I was out for cocktails one time, with my then best friend that she mentioned a woman who was living with another woman, and she wondered if they were together.  That's how unspoken it all was - by then this was around 2005.  So, not the dark ages.  I was fascinated though and envious. I mentioned to my friend that I'd sometimes wondered "how far down that road I am".  I didn't have the nerve, or the words, to say I think I'm gay.  She was totally shocked, to the point I didn't mention  it again for a long time.  You guys often mention the catalyst.  Well I can definitely relate to that.   She was a co-worker, younger than me - by then I was mid 30's.  And my God, I fell hard.  Everything about her was captivating.  I loved being at work, so we could chat, and pretty soon we were talking on MSN after work.    At some point over the next few weeks I told her about a woman whom I'd had a massive crush on - for over a decade.  Shocking. A straight woman whom I worked with - I say a decade, maybe 15 years - cringe.  It felt like a place to direct my inner feelings, without risking ever saying anything.  Maybe the longest crush in history. This was where things changed and we proably all know why I call her the catalyst. Anyway, I knew I had to move forwards.  I just had no idea how, or what  to do.  Both my kids were pre teens at the time.  I worked,  but only part time due to childcare.  I literally had no clue where  to go from there. Christmas was coming up and I decided to do nothing.  Just think and hopefully come up with something.    Christmas came and went, as did NewYear.  A very big  thing in Scotland.   A week or so later, I sat down with my husband and told him it was  over.  To my shame and regret, I didn't tell him why at the time.  Even worse, I still haven't actually had a conversation with him about it.   There were other problems in the relationship but, of course, none of that matters/counts if your wife turns out to be a lesbian. There was no point bringing any of that up, because my gay-ness was the reason I wanted out. It took a while for  him to accept that I meant what I was saying - he thought that if he ignored me for a while, I'd fall back in and things would be normal.   So things became very very difficult at home.  I'd dropped this bomb with no plan, and now we were both under  the same roof with the most painful tension.  I also had to tell my kids that mum  and dad were separating.    That was the hardest conversation of my life, and I still hate to think of it.  I devastated them in that moment.    Anyway, moving along.  I  did move out, with the kids, initially to my parents for a week and then into a new place which I'd arranged and increased my working hours etc. We managed to look after the kids between us 50/50, and things moved  on.  My husband, although I still  hadn't had the conversation about my reasons, went from devastated  to angry very quickly.  He did a lot of things, essentially to force me back by trying to destroy me in different ways, emotionally, financially etc.  Our relationship, although hasn't recovered, we can at least be ok now when we happen to bump into each other, which is rare. Moving further along, I was still friends with my catalyst.  But I knew she wasn't the answer to anything, but she had been someone who helped me change my life  - and although it was an actual nightmare, it was something I had to go through to have any kind  of authentic life. I still am friends with her and have great affection for her. At  that  point, I didn't know any gay women, other than my catalyst, and all I wanted to do was talk  to someone.  So, I joined an  online community - I chatted to a few women but none had been married before or could relate to what I was going through. However, during  those chats, I met someone who was to become my wife.   All within a month.  Such a stereotype, aren't I! Why the rush. Clearly in a hurry to move on, I'd been on my own for around a month, when we first talked  online, and then met on Valentines day 2009.  My first date with a woman.  And, it turned out to be my last.  15 years later, we've been married for 12 years and happy as can be. I lost friends though this time - my best  friend, the one with the cocktail, didn't speak to me for 10 years.  She reconnected a few years back and said she felt unable to be my friend whilst I was suddenly, in her eyes, a different  person.  We have reconnected but she has disappeared again.  I suppose that friendship did run its course. The last part of my story, if full of all  the classic mistakes I listen to on the Lesbian Chronicles, but sometimes the wrong thing turns out to be right.     My kids love my wife, they've known her almost from the start, or a little bit into the relationship - we've had all the challenges you could think of because of the circumstances, but getting here has been worth it.  We have a beautiful home together, even a dog! For me, it's a beautiful life. (Don't let me kid you though, being with a woman in a relationship for the first time, brought many challenges and was so intense, especially at the start. I don't want to pretend it was always easy ).   Women now, who find themselves in the same situation as me, coming out later in life - I hope they find these resources and communities.  They'd have helped me navigate things and not feel so alone.  Listening  to the  podcasts has helped me a lot - I've realised I'm still not over it,  we don't do therapy so much here, but I wish we did.   I have so much guilt, I describe it like a back pack full of heavy rocks.  It's gotten lighter but I know I did a  lot of damage back then.    My relationship with my kids is wonderful though, they are grown up now.  both happy and have a great relationship also with my wife.     I love my life, I just  hope things are easier now for young gay women to follow their hearts and their own path.    To anyone starting out on their coming out later journey - yes, it may be hard, but imagine what you might gain.  You could have a life, with a woman you love, your lover, best friend, a beautiful life.  I wish that for every one of you.  Truly.