What love is

I’m 38 now, I’ve been with my fiancé now coming up on 6 years. It hasn’t always been easy- that’s for sure.

At around 32, I started a new job. I was “happily” married at the time but completely unsatisfied and lacking in connection and passion which I had discussed numerous times with my now ex-husband. (To preface and give context, I had dated many women and men prior to getting married; I always leaned towards women).

After starting my new job, I met a woman who I became fast friends with. She was absolutely beautiful, in a leadership position and unlike anyone I had ever met. Although I was extremely attracted to her, initially it was simply a platonic friendship.

As time went on, the connection and attraction grew and grew. I was fascinated by her- she was so mature and grounded but fun and funny. I have always been very goofy and sarcastic- we were kind of opposites.

I can remember the first time I really acknowledged what I was feeling for her. I had many people from work over to my house. We had a fire out back and everyone was standing around and she and I just happened to lock eyes for a prolonged amount of time and it was intense- you could literally feel the tension and connection. I realized then whatever was going on was bigger than just a crush.

We began talking and texting nonstop- I honestly can’t even remember when we crossed “that” line. It was the most natural and easy connection I have ever had with anyone. With all of this going on and our relationship evolving into something inappropriate (considering we were both married- her 6 years, me 9 years at the time), she suddenly lost her sister at the age of 26. Her first call was me and I literally could not get to her fast enough. I believe this tragedy fast tracked our bonding and solidified the course of our relationship. I knew that day I loved her because I hurt so deeply for her and have never wanted to fix something so badly in my life.

Very shortly after this, we both separated from our husband and began dating. It was not easy. We butted heads quite a bit… and we were dealing with her psycho soon to be exhusband and I was struggling with the guilt and emotions from leaving my marriage and I’m sure she was struggling with guilt regarding her children.

To add to this, I was in my 30s with no kids and she had 2. We dated for a year and decided to move in together. This was around 2019- late 2019. We moved in together and had to learn one another, I had to adjust to living with children… then, covid happened. I ended up working from home with the kids who were now home ams doing virtual school… also, right around the time covid happened, we gained custody of her niece- so we now had 3 kids.

Working from home with kids 24/7 was too much for me. It made me depressed and bitter (and she couldn’t relate as she was still going in office 5 days a week and couldn’t understand why it was so trying for me)… it caused friction between us but we still loved each other deeply. It was just a constant push and pull.

I won’t go into too much detail out of respect for my relationship but we were in a dark spot and she made some poor decisions that made be decide to leave. We split up for 3 months. That was undoubtedly the first time in my life I had felt heartbreak.

I was sure nearing the end of month 3 with no contact (my doing) convinced that we were completely through and I would likely see her marry someone else. It was terrible but I loved her enough to want the best for her, even if it wasn’t me; until I unexpectedly received an email from her and we reconnected. It was complicated and emotional but we have been back together now for a year and a half and the dynamic of our relationship has been completely different. It’s insane… granted we both went through therapy and worked on ourselves during the break. I believe that in our case, us both realizing we were likely losing each other forever caused a shift in our hearts, minds, and lives and inspired us to do the hard work and make lasting change. That hard work and lasting change is still a on-going process and likely always will be.

We are now engaged, and I have recently been diagnosed with stage 3 thyroid cancer. She has been my rock every step of the way through this battle and if not for her… I truly would be lost.

I could go into so much detail on the challenges we have faced- our pasts and traumas, her ex-husband and boundary issues with him, my sister, I mean I could literally write an entire book on the issues we have had to tackle together. It has not been an easy road but it has absolutely always been worth it.

But, here we are. Still together, the strongest couple I know, the attraction and connection stronger than ever before, leaning on one another during a dark time.

If you’re out there and you’re struggling, don’t give up. Keep going, even if you’re just treading water. Your person is out there. But, if I could suggest anything, I would suggest doing the work on yourself for yourself. Put the work in, address your own issues, traumas, and fears so that when you cross paths with your person, you’re in a good place for yourself and for them. Learn to love and respect yourself and sort through all the **** that life has thrown at you.

I wish you all the best and much love!