Has anyone had to navigate when a husband does not want to separate/divorce?
Like many of you, my husband is a wonderful man and loves me unconditionally. He is supportive of me pursuing my queer identity, meeting and dating others but ultimately wants to stay together but in a non conventional relationship (open marriage, thrupple, etc).
He is really struggling with the sexualization of coming out. “Why would I leave a great relationship for sex?” Any suggestions on how to articulate and explain that that’s not it?
Thanks!
The motivations for marriage are different for men. For a lot of them they get to settle and don’t have to try any more. Their personal needs are met in service, in the home and in the bedroom and it validates their character to the rest of the world.
What did it mean for you? An acceptance into an institution, like hitting one of life’s milestones. Everyone accepting you into a special category. The anticipation of a special and exclusive relationship. The companionship of a partner, someone to share the difficult bits of life. Gaining a friendship, a soulmate.
Reality hits. Men tend not to do these things or be these things. Affable at best. A lot of them present like these are possibilities but then life happens and things aren’t as you thought and there is no growing towards those goals. They get comfortable with the status quo and routine. They get what it said on the tin and are happy about it.
You are not happy, what made you gay looms up as an unfulfilled desire. Close your eyes and it hits you. Little things he does or doesn’t do, gets to you. You fall into place and may do more than 50% of the labour in the home, even though you both work. Unrewarding or uncomfortable extramarital relations which he insists on and you think you have to do. And you start putting 2 and 2 together. Maybe you have always known, maybe you are just realising. Maybe you thought the trade off was worth it at the time but reality hit.
Your perseverance that he is wonderful man, irks me. Did no one ever tell you that monogamy has been an imposition on women and marriage has been a tool of that control. You want to paint yourself as the villain here because you are disrupting his ideal. You are upsetting everyone. Putting them before you every time, you are being kind to everyone but you.
It is up to you but this wonderful man is suggesting opening up the marriage, like that is some sort of freedom where he has control over the narrative, you and the situation.
It is not a great relationship because you are not happy. It is not the sexualisation of you coming out. It is his loss of face. He would be embarrassed. Saying things like the possibility of a thrupple, I would say is insulting but I wouldn’t tell him that. If he thinks coming out is about sex. He is the one sexualising it, as men often do. They are often the ones who insist on the frequency of what happens in the bedroom and that is based on their needs.
You need a clean break so you can make decisions yourself and know where you stand in the world without pressure. Get comfortable with who you need to be and discover what you want and where you want to go. You need space to grow.
Good morning and thank you for sharing, Beth. As soon as I read your post, I thought of Harra who also shared ... and then I see that she responded to you. I am glad ... and thank you Lesbian Chronicles!
I think you just have to make it clear that it’s not an option to stay together in an open marriage relationship, if that’s what you feel. By staying and dating other people you’re saying you don’t want to leave him. Then it does just become about sex with anyone other than him. Can’t be half in is how I feel.
But it’s taken me a long time to come to that decision. I had a therapist suggest to me that I stay and have an open marriage because the alternative of leaving a safe marriage is more difficult. I think it’s what you can live with and want out of another relationship.