Ugh. I am.
This is going to read like therapy I should have. I’m 42, I grew up with an angel of a mother, a super-patriarchal dad and oldest brother (10 years old than me). I’m athletic and small-chested and grew up with an attitude of being a “man-hater”… dad & oldest brother. I never dated. I helped my mom get divorced while I was in college. I genuinely never thought I’d get married. The only option would be to a man… I can’t even imagine the judgement & ridicule. My oldest brother called me a lesbian many times. I genuinely did not present that way.
A healthy professional relationship with a male college coach showed me that men can Connect.
Real connection is everything to me.
I got married to a man who Connects like a woman - wonderful conversations, listens & interacts with my long-windedness, emotional. I’ve also been through hell because of his unmet attachment mom issues & was treated under the surface, as if I were her. This finally got rooted out a year ago when I was truly ready to be done. I am upset at what I’ve had to go through: alcoholism, financial control, inability to receive feedback, to hear me, value my contributions, gender roles with the house, lack of self-care - it was almost like whack-a-mole, the issues. I went through the hardest decade of my life: navigating my beloved Mom through early-onset dementia and nobody would know what I was dealing with in my “wonderfully supportive husband”. He was… and he wasn’t.
A lot was opened up a year ago - but it’s like, is it too late? I have no idea when I was last truly physically attracted. He’s a big guy & not in a good way. I really value health & fitness and an active lifestyle (I made it the basis of my profession). We’re all in charge of ourselves, but the influence is real, too. I think because in the beginning, the emotional & friend connecfion was so good, that subconsciously I was willing to “give” on the physical attraction.
Having never dated & really ever being pursued, I feel I was trying to make sure I was “good enough” for him… and I believe he was making sure I was good enough for him, too.
On the outside, it looks like I LIVE THE LIFE.
Many of the issues have finally smoothed out, but I feel like I went through death by 1,000 cuts. And…. The attraction. I just don’t feel it like that.
Meanwhile. there is a woman in my life that I would trade it all for. Even to have a non-sexual relationship. Trade. It. All.
I resent that I had to endure so much to get to a point in an 18-yr. marriage where I finally have a voice & am just… not putting up with BS any longer.
It’s not an unhappy home… but the reality is it’s a utilitarian marriage where neither of us wanted that - we wanted love. I care. But the love part feels squeezed out. I have compensated in my own mind for YEARS.
I resent my oldest brother for calling me a lesbian from so young - like middle school - before I even had the chance to know. The perfect proactive tactic to push the hero patriarchy.
I think a connected, KIND, gentle human who reasonably values health and activity of either gender is SO SEXY. The emotional connection is priority - I guess that’s demisexual?
If somebody actually reads this - thank you!
Do you have confusion, too?
You are not alone. This is so relatable its honestly scary. I'm in a marriage with a cis-man for 4 years and I feel the same way about the lack of vulnerability, patience and just being seen honestly. In the last 4 years I've come out as bisexual to people. Resenting the fact that bi-erasure does exist and just because I'm into women doesn't mean I'm not into mean right?? Maybe not. I thought because I have had sex with men that there's no possible way for me to be a lesbian. But the more I think about it, the more I realize I have never thought sex was that great. When everyone was hormonal and trying to "get their kix", I wasn't on the train. I thought I just wasn't a sexual person. Does anyone share this issue? Thank you for your post. It was very eye opening and healing.