Ugh. I am.
This is going to read like therapy I should have. I’m 42, I grew up with an angel of a mother, a super-patriarchal dad and oldest brother (10 years old than me). I’m athletic and small-chested and grew up with an attitude of being a “man-hater”… dad & oldest brother. I never dated. I helped my mom get divorced while I was in college. I genuinely never thought I’d get married. The only option would be to a man… I can’t even imagine the judgement & ridicule. My oldest brother called me a lesbian many times. I genuinely did not present that way.
A healthy professional relationship with a male college coach showed me that men can Connect.
Real connection is everything to me.
I got married to a man who Connects like a woman - wonderful conversations, listens & interacts with my long-windedness, emotional. I’ve also been through hell because of his unmet attachment mom issues & was treated under the surface, as if I were her. This finally got rooted out a year ago when I was truly ready to be done. I am upset at what I’ve had to go through: alcoholism, financial control, inability to receive feedback, to hear me, value my contributions, gender roles with the house, lack of self-care - it was almost like whack-a-mole, the issues. I went through the hardest decade of my life: navigating my beloved Mom through early-onset dementia and nobody would know what I was dealing with in my “wonderfully supportive husband”. He was… and he wasn’t.
A lot was opened up a year ago - but it’s like, is it too late? I have no idea when I was last truly physically attracted. He’s a big guy & not in a good way. I really value health & fitness and an active lifestyle (I made it the basis of my profession). We’re all in charge of ourselves, but the influence is real, too. I think because in the beginning, the emotional & friend connecfion was so good, that subconsciously I was willing to “give” on the physical attraction.
Having never dated & really ever being pursued, I feel I was trying to make sure I was “good enough” for him… and I believe he was making sure I was good enough for him, too.
On the outside, it looks like I LIVE THE LIFE.
Many of the issues have finally smoothed out, but I feel like I went through death by 1,000 cuts. And…. The attraction. I just don’t feel it like that.
Meanwhile. there is a woman in my life that I would trade it all for. Even to have a non-sexual relationship. Trade. It. All.
I resent that I had to endure so much to get to a point in an 18-yr. marriage where I finally have a voice & am just… not putting up with BS any longer.
It’s not an unhappy home… but the reality is it’s a utilitarian marriage where neither of us wanted that - we wanted love. I care. But the love part feels squeezed out. I have compensated in my own mind for YEARS.
I resent my oldest brother for calling me a lesbian from so young - like middle school - before I even had the chance to know. The perfect proactive tactic to push the hero patriarchy.
I think a connected, KIND, gentle human who reasonably values health and activity of either gender is SO SEXY. The emotional connection is priority - I guess that’s demisexual?
If somebody actually reads this - thank you!
Do you have confusion, too?
So beautifully written...and so relatable. The part where you said..."Meanwhile. there is a woman in my life that I would trade it all for. Even to have a non-sexual relationship. Trade. It. All." I can recall feeling the exact same when I was coming out. I am so curious how you are doing now and what your life is like.
Hi! Just wanted to say I relate in that my ex husband has a very developed feminine side. It always confused me. Even though I loved him. I found myself showing more androgyny in dressing and being more masculine in energy to counter balance it, even though I believe my core energy is feminine. Now that I'm out, I really have enjoyed coming back to wearing softer clothing, a little jewelry, makeup, and my hair down. In hopes a more soft masc woman finds that beautiful. Because I like it and it's how I feel beautiful!
Anyways, that's not what you're mostly writing about.... I would say as someone who had a Catalyst and mainly left because of her, I would recommend if you leave don't do it for her. Do it for your marriage. Keep it about you and your husband and your truth. I wish I could go back in time and re-do so many of my mistakes. I allowed my catalyst to manipulate and influence me into saying and doing things out of character for me. My now ex husband has fully forgiven me, but I did turn into a person he didn't recognize.
There's no way around it: divorce is hell. I say this in the most supportive manner possible. I truly wish you well and glad you also found this forum. But I wish I knew how hard life would be before I left. Doesn't change that my marriage had to end, and that I'm gay. But, I've never hard 2 harder years in my whole life than the last 2. I'm still coming to terms with some of the mess I made. Life is getting SO MUCH BETTER, but damn it's the rockiest road to get there. Just find support around you. Truly find your people because you're going to need them. I didn't have much support, and I felt it left me teetering on the edge of severely unhealthy mental illness and suffering for longer than was necessary.
You do deserve to live as a gay woman if that is what you feel. I lost both my parents by the time I was 37. It leaves me with a sense of urgency every single day of how fleeting life can be, and how time is significant. Don't spend that time unintentionally, or even in fear. Press forward into your truth.
We only have one life to live. If there is a real chance for you and this woman that you long for I say go for it. Change will be hard but missing the chance to be with her may be harder and quite haunting.
Lauren, THANK YOU for sharing your story and wisdom so honestly and sincerely. I read Untamed a few years ago (which I should revisit) & am listening to Perfectly Queer on Audible right now. Thank you for the other resources!
I appreciate you sharing your lived experience & advice. It’s real life. My moral wall would fall way before hers & to even share the thought with her would be extraordinarily risky. It’s almost like she’s “a safe person” because I know I can’t cross the line with her. What she’s taught me - is what I’ve been missing in my relationship… both in behavior and utter love & attraction from deep.
I think the concepts of taking time to sort, clarify, heal, reset, question… are all good advice.
Thank you!!
And also, this podcast and Late to Lesbian IG account and you have for sure read Untamed by Glennon Doyle but if not do that immediately and also The Fixed Stars by Molly Wizenberg. And you can have all these feelings and have them just be that - information for you to think about - don’t have to leave or do anything except think, huh, what did these feelings come here to tell me? That’s all.
I did too. Same story here - you should read - “Dear John, I love Jane” as it was helpful in processing before there was all this content out there. But honestly, if I had it to do over again I would go to therapy with someone good and open first and sort my **** out. That said, I fell in love with my kids’ best friend’s mom completely out of the blue. Neither of had been with a woman before. It was beautiful and so so hard and we were separated by COVID and then our families were undone. The worst part was that we cheated and that was what we should not have done. We should have had the guts to say beforehand: I am not happy in this relationship. I know you shouldn’t wait for me. I need to figure this out and me out and I will do my very best to put our kids first (we did and still do that) and not bail on you as a partner (we also didn’t do that) and figure this out. I need to separate. We eventually got there but jerked these guys around while we figured it out. That made the most damage, so in hindsight, would recommend taking time, then saying the things, then figuring it out. We are still together, long distance for five years, but our families are connected to each other, we have pretty good parenting partnerships and even still sort of friendships with dads. It was so so hard. But our hearts were like, nope. Can’t do this any more. Still can’t in spite of all the loss. We have had to work through our stuff together too, while not being able to be together all the time. Often, the person who you think you are leaving for isn’t it from all the stories I’ve read. I am really lucky to still have my girl. But I understand that’s unusual and it took a lot of hard work for us to still be together. IIn the end, I had to decide I wasn’t leaving for any person but me. She could have gone and I still had to feel my decision was the right one. It was. It also was extremely difficult. And sad and full of loss. And beauty. And freedom. And aliveness.
If you want advice: Read a lot. Leave before you cheat. Listen to what is deep in your heart, and take one step at a time. You can get a long way in the dark taking one step.
Also, I read that it would take at least five years before things were anywhere near ok and normal. That was a helpful and in hindsight, accurate number.
Good luck. You aren’t alone.