How do you meet people, your cohort of familiars? I know they say, get intentional about it, treat it like a job. Turn up for everything, eventually something will stick.
I don’t do social media and I do feel like I have shot myself in the foot with that but I just can’t, it’s a lot. And I don’t mind that other people do. I just can’t. But reaching out is a must and you have to endure the interwebricolonisation in its many forms.
Navigating Meetups now at my age because I knew I needed people, a resource, the support of like-minded individuals, even for basic decisions I knew I needed to make to affect change in my life.
I had no support network. I had been living inside myself for far too long and enduring a kind of nonsense that was eating me alive until I hardly recognised myself. I had been concerned with other people’s comfort levels over my own to skin crawling proportions. I felt like a hypocrite, a fraud. I had betrayed myself for what? I never felt heard, seen, understood or respected and everything would always be seen from the point of view of the loudest voice in the room and that, was never mine.
But Meetups has a level of problems all of its own for me. Initially, I joined a women’s bi group, not because I’m bi, I am not, I am definitely not, but because I thought that would be more acceptable given my circumstance. But I was uncomfortable because I thought people would question my motives. I didn’t really want to explain myself and my situation and the groups events seemed to be mainly dining or drinking. I am socially awkward, quiet, a non-smoking teetotaler and not a foody to boot. I sound boring, I know. I cook, people say I am good at it, I have even hosted dinner parties. I just don’t enjoy eating out or large crowds or noisy places. I always found it hard crossing the threshold of a pub, especially if I didn’t know anyone on the other side of the door. To cut a long story short I couldn’t bring myself to attend.
I did join a different group, a lesbian one. I have been on a few outings but haven’t really made any meaningful connections. I am a bit wary of some of the people I have met and pleasantly surprised by others. Anyone who knows anyone, has made connections via the more socially accepted bar meet-ups which are rather regular so they regularly see each other. I tried one and endured it for as long as I could, tried to talk to different people but in the end, I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Hard to hear, hard to think for me. There are a lot of acquaintances and unless you are completely living a certain lifestyle, you feel that you don’t really belong.
I guess, I never really disconnected from the feeling of sleeping with one eye open. I have always been hyper-aware or wary maybe. Scared of being found out, invasion of the body snatches (thanks a bunch Donald Sutherland, may he rest in peace. God! I love that movie)
And I am still trying…
Is there a climbing gym near you? Mine is VERY queer friendly and it takes the pressure off forced conversations because you can easily talk about climbing or just climb! Some even have designated queer events and no drinking or social media necessary!
Random addition, but I started reading a book called "Quiet" years ago. I didn't get more than maybe 1/4 of the way through it. But I recall the author talking about the phenomenon of early self help books back in the 50's and 60's maybe, where it became a big deal and was pushed on people to be really social, extroverted, and charismatic as a way of making friends and business connections. That has carried through in our culture today. When really, I think most people are not naturally like that. Some, but not most. It might be worth a read.
Hey there. Just wanted to offer some support. It's really intimidating going to Meetups. Definitely pat yourself on the back for doing so. It's uncomfortable and awkward. I've met some great connections that way, but also there's a lot of people you end up meeting that are just not going to be your cup of tea no matter how you slice it. I would imagine it is really tricky since you don't drink. Yes, lots of Meetups involve alcohol. You are still worth finding support and community. Because I can guarantee there are lots of sober lesbians out there. I also am not active on FB/Insta or social media in general. I've still connected with others in person, asked for their number and kept in touch. So it's possible. Your people are out there. Don't give up! Sometimes it can even start with just one good person you meet, and they help open up other connections to you effortlessly.