For the past few months I feel like I am in some sort of post coming out cocoon period where I have just been through so much emotional trauma -admitting to myself that I am gay (Iāve always known but actually allowing myself to be in that knowledge ) taking the steps to come out as gay to myself to my husband, my friends and family, then my first true agonizing heartbreak (shattering and life altering to say the least ) followed by a series of some fortunate some unfortunate dating experiencesā¦all of these things in such a short period of time had left me cracked wide open and shattered ā¦and now I am cocooned in emotional numbnessā¦
Honestly itās fineā¦ the cocoon
The numbness
Iām comfortable with it
I kind of needed to not feel for awhile
I am very comfortable being alone
I crave my alone time
It satisfies me
It quiets me
But.
I have recently been having new moments of loneliness
They come sporadically
No warning
And they go just as fast
But they are new feelings
Feelings of almost insecurity over my old life vs the new life I am cultivating.
I have grown so much emotionally in this new phase of my life and with that so has my confidence in myself
I no longer chase or try to hold onto anything that doesnāt seem to be for me or in line with the direction my life is driving itself towards ( Iām following my blissā¦ getting on the bus as they say)
I feel good about that
But then comes these feelings of loneliness
Like am I really all alone in this thing?
I think one of the biggest challenges I have faced in my coming out and spousal separation process is that I had to come to terms with the very real fact that if I do this.. I very well may end up alone forever.
That sounds scary right?
But scarier to me would be settling for anything less than lightning ā”ļø and fireworks š„
I know noone want to think that they could be alone forever
But personally I had to get comfortable with that possible reality
And I did!
I think feelings are subjective right?
Like there is no objectivity in feelings itās just how you feelā¦
I feel very peaceful ,calm and comfortable in my emotional numbness at the moment which is new for me because typically I feel all the feelsā¦ all of them!! Big time
But I donāt feel anything right now emotionally
Accept for this new sneaky feeling of lonelinessā¦
And I donāt know what to make of it
So I guess Iām just curious if anyone else feels anything like this?
Let me know your thoughts
Iāll be here wearing the face that I keep in a jar by the door š
You my dear are for sure not alone. After finding these two wonderful ladies several years ago, I am so amazed how many of US are out there. And I have found that this family is way bigger than anything I ever had in any heterosexual relationship. Meaning that you have lots of friends out here. I have A long heartbreaking story but I am now happier than I have EVER been. Have finally had my last first kiss and I know this in my heart. My wife will totally agree. Donāt give up!! Life Is Good!!! I am 61, itās been A long road. I am by no means down playing your feelings. Because I totally get everything you are saying and it all fucking hurts. I never knew how bad your heart could actually ache as itās breaking.
You have A big family out here. Be strong! Donāt be afraid to reach out.
Thank you for all you do ladies!! Yāall are awesome.
Lisa Giles
Numb...100% yes. But that is emotion. I've felt extreme anger, frustration, deep grief, numb, elated, joyful, ecstatic...all in the same week or sometimes day! I would say just accept that right now you feel numb. Emotions are just signals to us...so I'm sure you will start feeling other emotions soon that are signaling you to something else coming up. But its also ok to just BE numb for as long as that's what your nervous system needs.
Wishing you well...
I see and hear you on this. Coming out in my late forties(52 now) after years of comp het marriage...didn't really date anyone until last year and that ended in a shocking and heartbreaking way...it is a lot and there are a lot of emotions. And I have found myself preparing for what it would look like to be aging and uncoupled because like you, I don't want to settle for something less just to be with someone. That is its own form of loneliness. I've been looking into travel groups. I have had discussions with friends about living together as we age. I'm looking into trying some new hobbies and things where I can have new and fulfilling connections. I do enjoy my solitude the majority of the time but there are those moments when I'm doing something and I feel like it would be nice to have someone to share that moment with, and that tends to be when those feelings creep in. I keep breathing into this beautiful acceptance that my life can be rich and full no matter what my relationship status is while also allowing the lonely moments to wash over me when they come. I want to feel and honor it all. It's truly a journey (though sometimes it feels like a roller coaster) and one with an unknown destination but also some rich adventures along the way. Here's to feeling all of it...including the numbness. āØ
I threw a fun little musical Easter egg in this writing and if anyone can tell me what it is Iāll be super impressed ššš„š„
Aww thank you so much! I appreciate your words and validationā¦. I donāt know if what Iām feeling is a struggle or a - wait a minute I thought I was through thisā¦ I donāt want to feel this I thought I was past it type of feeling- you knowā¦ thanks for reading it all and taking the time to give words of encouragement.. thats special!
I love this so much Heather. For sure relatableā¦different fears, different days and then hope and excitement mixed in. Love that you shared this.
This is sad and lovely simultaneously. Very real feelings, and absolutely not alone. You are so strong and can keep pushing forward through this šŖ It is truly so SO difficult and I just want to validate you in your struggle š©· Keep chasing that lightning!