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Thrilled for you ladies expanding your outreach. Listening up in Boston where there are most certainly stories just like yours. This area is incredibly progressive and I'm so lucky to live here.

I came out at 34 (10 years ago) with a husband, two small kids, a stressful job, and a house in the suburbs doing all the things you're supposed to do. I had an affair with my best friend and while she is no longer, she was the key that opened the door to finally finding me. Divorce blows - sure does, but freedom is your goal, and freedom is the gift that keeps on giving. - A

Hi😊

First time I came out was a “soft opening” of sorts. Picture it… 31, two kids, and one marriage down in heteroworld. Secretly dated a coworker. Confused and scared about the attraction but sure enough about my feelings to tell my mom and younger sisters. Sadly, not strong enough to come out completely after it ended. Afraid of what the rest of my family would say, not knowing any other lesbians, and living in a small town, went back in the closet and double bolted the door.

Twelve years later and another heteroworld marriage down, my daughter says, “Mom, you don’t do well with men. Maybe you should go back to women.” So here I am! Almost 4 years later out and proud with support from each and every member of my large family. My first relationship after coming out lasted a year and a half, but I’ll save that story for another time 🤣

Today, I’m still trying to navigate coming out late and living in a small town with slim pickings 😊

Hi all, so happy to be here with you. Here’s some of of my story -

I had been aware that I was attracted to the female form since I was twelve years old. There was no way I could avoid noticing how my body responded. I was aware, but it was something I tried very hard not to know.  This trying was effortless.  It was automatic.  Wherever the messages came from that this was not a safe thing to know, my psyche had absorbed them quickly and thoroughly.  The awareness stayed deep below any conscious level until my 20s.  And then, the handful of intimate experiences I had with women were always fueled by alcohol.  This allowed me to continue the not-knowing, to dismiss it as just a bit of tipsy fun. 

Even in some of my relationships with men, I had found a way to incorporate my attraction to women so it didn’t threaten them or me.  I knew it could be a turn-on if it was presented properly.  Looking back, I see how in doing this I diminished and externalized this part of me, turning it into the equivalent of a lacy undergarment meant for others, rather than something that was a valuable part of me.  I could not value something that it still didn’t feel safe to know.

In my 30’s, I came dangerously close to knowing.  A female friend and I who both drank together and sometimes fooled around together crossed into the unchartered territory of considering changing our relationship into that amorphous “more.”  We mutually decided not to, and I felt deep relief at the time.  The prospect of “more” for me was terrifying.  If she wasn’t completely in, there was no way I was going to push it.

And then I fell in love with the man who would become my husband.  We built a wonderful life together and I was genuinely happy.  Once again, any thoughts that didn’t fit neatly into my firm commitment to my heterosexual marriage dove deep into my subconscious.  Life continued on, and over time I noticed I was drinking more regularly and in greater amounts.  Nothing that set off alarm bells though – it seemed par for the course in the society I lived in (at least the part of it I chose to focus on).  Yet my anxiety and depression were also increasing.  I loved so much about my life, so why was I having an increasingly difficult time actually enjoying it?  I wasn’t that pumped up about my job, so I tried pointing to it as the culprit.  Maybe it was to some degree, but I had a hunch there was more going on.  My “fix-it” focus then honed in on an eating disorder I had never addressed, so, with help, I finally started working on that.  And the eating and related body issues brought me full circle to that damn sexuality piece which, as it turns out, had never gone anywhere expect out of my supposedly all-knowing mind.  And this time I could not refuse to know anymore, no matter how badly I wanted to.  And I wanted to with every fiber of my being.  Because I also knew that it would mean the end of the life I was living.  There was no way that I could know this thing about myself and keep it to myself, and there was no way that it would not change everything. 

How much had my not wanting to face my sexuality fueled my drinking?  While I can’t ever get a definitive answer to this question, I can make some guesses.  Insofar as I drank at times to avoid uncomfortable feelings – shame, confusion, frustration, hopelessness, rage – all of which were some of the feelings that clustered around my sexuality - then yes, alcohol was what I used to numb out and distance myself from those feelings.  And drinking allowed me to access the part of my sexuality that terrified me without having to actually acknowledge that part.  I also drank to be social, to have fun, to alleviate boredom, and so on.  It was a reliable go-to elixir for all occasions.

But when I reached the point where I could not ignore my sexuality anymore and the dominos of life changes began to fall, it was at this point that in a way, my sexuality saved me.  I was in a state of utter turmoil and pain from all that followed from my finally choosing to claim this part of myself and I knew that pouring alcohol into the mix would not take me anywhere I wanted to go.  I also knew that the pain – my own and the pain of those who had been affected by all the sudden changes – deserved to be felt and honored.  It did not deserve to be avoided and numbed into oblivion no matter how tempting that might have been. 

Pain is what made me turns towards sobriety.  Discovering that I could navigate it and the myriad of emotions that come with being alive has been one of sobriety’s greatest gifts.  Slowly learning how to not turn away from any part of myself has been another. 

*Everything before this point was part of a guest blog post I wrote in 2018. I came out fully in 2016 at the age of 44, followed by the dismantling of my marriage, quitting drinking, changing careers to become a recovery coach, and moving away from the city I had called home for a total of 18 years. It has been hella challenging at times, but I have never, ever doubted that I made the right decision.

I remember listening non-stop to the LC podcast when I first found it, and feeling layers of shame lifting and being replaced by self-compassion with every episode.  Thank you for letting me share, and I hope to get to know some of you.

Hi everyone.  

I came out,  later in life, at 35.

I was with my ex husband for 15 years.  We have 2 kids.  I'd known him since we were kids ourselves, our families were friends, we got together when I was 21.  Everything followed, what seemed like, the normal plan.   Get married, have kids, have a nice life, the end.

Throughout my life, I've known that I "liked girls" but where I came from, a small town in Scotland, it wasn't really a thing.  I was born in the early 70's.  If my parents ever even mentioned a gay person, it wasn't in the best of terms.  I didn't even dream back then that I could be gay, I just knew that my future was filled with expectations and being gay wasn't one of them.  Even if it was - nobody else around me was gay (although, I found out later, that was so not true!!).

I had my kids, my husband and I got along - although looking back, we didn't have what I now know as a connection.  I look at old family videos of us, and we're young and really just doing what we thought was our best.  I have much more empathy now for my young self, and him, when I see now that we were just kids.

I worked, socialised very rarely with my friends, but it was when I was out for cocktails one time, with my then best friend that she mentioned a woman who was living with another woman, and she wondered if they were together.  That's how unspoken it all was - by then this was around 2005.  So, not the dark ages.  I was fascinated though and envious. I mentioned to my friend that I'd sometimes wondered "how far down that road I am".  I didn't have the nerve, or the words, to say I think I'm gay.  She was totally shocked, to the point I didn't mention  it again for a long time. 

You guys often mention the catalyst.  Well I can definitely relate to that.   She was a co-worker, younger than me - by then I was mid 30's.  And my God, I fell hard.  Everything about her was captivating.  I loved being at work, so we could chat, and pretty soon we were talking on MSN after work. 

At some point over the next few weeks I told her about a woman whom I'd had a massive crush on - for over a decade.  Shocking. A straight woman whom I worked with - I say a decade, maybe 15 years - cringe.  It felt like a place to direct my inner feelings, without risking ever saying anything.  Maybe the longest crush in history.

This was where things changed and we proably all know why I call her the catalyst. Anyway, I knew I had to move forwards.  I just had no idea how, or what  to do.  Both my kids were pre teens at the time.  I worked,  but only part time due to childcare.  I literally had no clue where  to go from there. Christmas was coming up and I decided to do nothing.  Just think and hopefully come up with something. 

Christmas came and went, as did NewYear.  A very big  thing in Scotland.   A week or so later, I sat down with my husband and told him it was  over.  To my shame and regret, I didn't tell him why at the time.  Even worse, I still haven't actually had a conversation with him about it.   There were other problems in the relationship but, of course, none of that matters/counts if your wife turns out to be a lesbian. There was no point bringing any of that up, because my gay-ness was the reason I wanted out.

It took a while for  him to accept that I meant what I was saying - he thought that if he ignored me for a while, I'd fall back in and things would be normal.   So things became very very difficult at home.  I'd dropped this bomb with no plan, and now we were both under  the same roof with the most painful tension.  I also had to tell my kids that mum  and dad were separating.    That was the hardest conversation of my life, and I still hate to think of it.  I devastated them in that moment. 

Anyway, moving along.  I  did move out, with the kids, initially to my parents for a week and then into a new place which I'd arranged and increased my working hours etc. We managed to look after the kids between us 50/50, and things moved  on.  My husband, although I still  hadn't had the conversation about my reasons, went from devastated  to angry very quickly.  He did a lot of things, essentially to force me back by trying to destroy me in different ways, emotionally, financially etc.  Our relationship, although hasn't recovered, we can at least be ok now when we happen to bump into each other, which is rare.

Moving further along, I was still friends with my catalyst.  But I knew she wasn't the answer to anything, but she had been someone who helped me change my life  - and although it was an actual nightmare, it was something I had to go through to have any kind  of authentic life. I still am friends with her and have great affection for her.

At  that  point, I didn't know any gay women, other than my catalyst, and all I wanted to do was talk  to someone.  So, I joined an  online community - I chatted to a few women but none had been married before or could relate to what I was going through. However, during  those chats, I met someone who was to become my wife.   All within a month.  Such a stereotype, aren't I! Why the rush.

Clearly in a hurry to move on, I'd been on my own for around a month, when we first talked  online, and then met on Valentines day 2009.  My first date with a woman.  And, it turned out to be my last.  15 years later, we've been married for 12 years and happy as can be.

I lost friends though this time - my best  friend, the one with the cocktail, didn't speak to me for 10 years.  She reconnected a few years back and said she felt unable to be my friend whilst I was suddenly, in her eyes, a different  person.  We have reconnected but she has disappeared again.  I suppose that friendship did run its course.

The last part of my story, if full of all  the classic mistakes I listen to on the Lesbian Chronicles, but sometimes the wrong thing turns out to be right. 

My kids love my wife, they've known her almost from the start, or a little bit into the relationship - we've had all the challenges you could think of because of the circumstances, but getting here has been worth it.  We have a beautiful home together, even a dog! For me, it's a beautiful life. (Don't let me kid you though, being with a woman in a relationship for the first time, brought many challenges and was so intense, especially at the start. I don't want to pretend it was always easy ).

Women now, who find themselves in the same situation as me, coming out later in life - I hope they find these resources and communities.  They'd have helped me navigate things and not feel so alone. 

Listening  to the  podcasts has helped me a lot - I've realised I'm still not over it,  we don't do therapy so much here, but I wish we did.   I have so much guilt, I describe it like a back pack full of heavy rocks.  It's gotten lighter but I know I did a  lot of damage back then. 

My relationship with my kids is wonderful though, they are grown up now.  both happy and have a great relationship also with my wife.  

I love my life, I just  hope things are easier now for young gay women to follow their hearts and their own path. 

To anyone starting out on their coming out later journey - yes, it may be hard, but imagine what you might gain.  You could have a life, with a woman you love, your lover, best friend, a beautiful life.  I wish that for every one of you.  Truly.

My coming out story isn't all that exciting - but the journey through it, let me tell you, was a wild ride!!

I had been married to a man with whom I had two children, lost my mom and my sister unexpectedly (in unrelated deaths) within a few months of eachother, and then requested a divorce from my husband. I then moved into a very toxic and dangerous relationship with a man, where I lost myself and subsequently found myself all over again. After being locked in a basement and watching him board up the windows, I saw my life flash before me. Miraculously, I made it out alive and knew that I never wanted to be in a relationship with a man again. I began dating women and verrrrry quickly fell in love with a narcissistic woman, who saw my brokenness and used it to her advantage. She stole from me, took advantage of me, and disappeared one day. Once again, I picked myself back up, and pushed forward. I met some wonderful women, some not so wonderful women, and finally met the best woman. Coming out to my kids was TOUGH and my 12 year old son did not have the reaction I had hoped for. But we made it. We're two years in, happily married, fostering a gaggle of kids together, living on a farm and just loving life.

I adore the Lesbian Chronicles and have leaned heavily on you both to get me through the hard times. Thank you ♥️